i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
