hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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