1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
