maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
