I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
