I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just cropdusted the office
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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