You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
