I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
