bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
