im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it hurts more in the daytime
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorry my hands just texted you
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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