My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
