I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Found the puke drawer
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
