I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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