he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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