I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I won the penis lottery.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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