I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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