If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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