I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
