I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
