I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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