It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
