As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
