did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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