...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize