how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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