just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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