Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
