I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize