The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
