STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
