just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
