When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
