Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
