i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
