I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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