mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize