I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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