This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
