My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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