im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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