omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
