they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Houston, we have a blender
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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