you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
