You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
