He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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