i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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