I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
