I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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