It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So gin and wine won't be happening again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
