Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
