he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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