So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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