she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
