got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize