i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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