True but thats because hes a fetus.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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