She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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