Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
